The Book of Genesis

I’m not sure how this particular bibulous biblical reference came into conversation last week, but Noah’s infamous ventures with wine growing ended up scrutinised with a glass of wine over supper, so here it is in full.

Noah, having recently battened down the hatches on his ark and saved his family and the world’s animals from drowning in the flood, has now been told by God to multiply, and replenish the earth. He sets about this by becoming a farmer, along with which he plants a few rows of grapes. In the Old Testament’s first reference to viticulture, Noah gets disgustingly drunk and passes out in his gaff:

9:20 And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard:

9:21 And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent.

9:22 And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without.

9:23 And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness.

9:24 And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him.

9:25 And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.

9:26 And he said, Blessed be the LORD God of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.

9:27 God shall enlarge Japheth, and he shall dwell in the tents of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.

What happens when Noah passes out is clothed in biblical obfuscation. It’s pretty much open to conjecture but there those who suggest a serious misdemeanour, either after the booze gets the better of him, or before. At any rate, the other two brothers cover the old boy up and sit out the wrath of the grape the next day when Noah wakes up with the bible’s first hangover. Ham’s son Canaan gets it in the neck for what has happened between his father and grandfather, so it was obviously something worse than not putting him into the recovery position...

The Book of Judith

I was put onto the biblical story of Judith and Holofernes by my friend Pete who described her as an example of ancient girl power. Judith plays nemesis to Holofernes’s hubris, with the Assyrian losing his head both metaphorically and literally in the process...

The book of Judith is listed as one of the Apocrypha and has disappeared from modern printings of the King James Version, but it is still regarded as canonical by the Catholic and Orthodox churches, as far as I can work out. I’ve resorted to Gutenberg and their text from the Challoner revision of the Douay Rheims translation here.

The story begins with the onslaught on Israel by the Assyrian army, led by Holofernes. He puts the land to the sword and demands that the people follow his king, Nebuchadnezzar. Naturally, the Israelites are having none of it, a brave and noble stand to take, and one that seems increasingly perilous as Holofernes advances on Jerusalem.

In the city abides Judith, a widow of just three months, who has spent the time since her husband died locked in her house wearing a hair shirt and refusing to eat. Hearing of the threat, she puts on sackcloth and ashes and prays to God for the city’s deliverance:

9:12. Bring to pass, O Lord, that his pride may be cut off with his own

sword.

The plot is then hatched... Judith, an exceptionally beautiful woman, is sent to the Assyrian camp where she will wile her way into Holofernes company and do away with him:

10:4. And the Lord also gave her more beauty: because all this dressing

up did not proceed from sensuality, but from virtue: and therefore the

Lord increased this her beauty, so that she appeared to all men's eyes

incomparably lovely.

10:5. And she gave to her maid a bottle of wine to carry, and a vessel

of oil, and parched corn, and dry figs, and bread and cheese, and went

out.

Holofernes is duly stunned, and responds by asking her to stay in his camp, the old goat. After four days of her refusing to eat his food, he decides that enough is enough and he must seduce her; it’s now a matter of Assyrian national pride that he gets his leg over:

12:10. And it came to pass on the fourth day, that Holofernes made a

supper for his servants, and said to Vagao his eunuch: Go, and persuade

that Hebrew woman, to consent of her own accord to dwell with me.

12:11. For it is looked upon as shameful among the Assyrians, if a woman

mock a man, by doing so as to pass free from him.

12:12. Then Vagao went in to Judith, and said: Let not my good maid be

afraid to go in to my lord, that she may be honoured before his face,

that she may eat with him and drink wine and be merry.

And eat drink and be merry they do:

12:16. And the heart of Holofernes was smitten, for he was burning with

the desire of her.

12:17. And Holofernes said to her: Drink now, and sit down and be merry;

for thou hast found favour before me.

12:18. And Judith said: I will drink my lord, because my life is

magnified this day above all my days.

12:19. And she took and ate and drank before him what her maid had

prepared for her.

12:20. And Holofernes was made merry on her occasion, and drank

exceeding much wine, so much as he had never drunk in his life.

Silly boy has got a bit carried away, and has passed out on the couch, overcharged with wine:

13:1. And when it was grown late, his servants made haste to their

lodgings, and Vagao shut the chamber doors, and went his way.

13:2. And they were all overcharged with wine.

13:3. And Judith was alone in the chamber.

13:4. But Holofernes lay on his bed, fast asleep, being exceedingly

drunk.

13:5. And Judith spoke to her maid to stand without before the chamber,

and to watch:

13:6. And Judith stood before the bed praying with tears, and the motion

of her lips in silence,

13:7. Saying: Strengthen me, O Lord God of Israel, and in this hour look

on the works of my hands, that as thou hast promised, thou mayst raise

up Jerusalem thy city: and that I may bring to pass that which I have

purposed, having a belief that it might be done by thee.

13:8. And when she had said this, she went to the pillar that was at his

bed's head, and loosed his sword that hung tied upon it.

13:9. And when she had drawn it out, she took him by the hair of his

head, and said: Strengthen me, O Lord God, at this hour.

13:10. And she struck twice upon his neck, and cut off his head, and

took off his canopy from the pillars, and rolled away his headless body.

He probably never felt a thing... Judith then stuffs his noggin in a bag and decamps back to Jerusalem, and the city is saved.

The Wedding at Cana from The Gospel According to John

Although one of the better known miracles in the New Testament, the Wedding at Cana is missing from the three Synoptic Gospels and makes is sole appearance in the Gospel According to John.

A quick precis for us cheerful agnostics; the wedding is the story of Jesus being invited to a nuptial feast, only to be told that there’s no drink in the house. Although initially not keen to work the miracle (mine hour is not yet come) Jesus eventually instructs the domestic help to fill several vessels with water, which when presented to the host are now filled with good wine.

Here’s the text in full. Once again, I’m using the King James Authorized:

And the third day there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee; and the mother of Jesus was there: And both Jesus was called, and his disciples, to the marriage. And when they wanted wine, the mother of Jesus saith unto him, They have no wine. Jesus saith unto her, Woman, what have I to do with thee? mine hour is not yet come. His mother saith unto the servants, Whatsoever he saith unto you, do it. And there were set there six waterpots of stone, after the manner of the purifying of the Jews, containing two or three firkins apiece. Jesus saith unto them, Fill the waterpots with water. And they filled them up to the brim. And he saith unto them, Draw out now, and bear unto the governor of the feast. And they bare it. When the ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and knew not whence it was: (but the servants which drew the water knew;) the governor of the feast called the bridegroom, And saith unto him, Every man at the beginning doth set forth good wine; and when men have well drunk, then that which is worse: but thou hast kept the good wine until now. This beginning of miracles did Jesus in Cana of Galilee, and manifested forth his glory; and his disciples believed on him.

As I mention, it’s one of the better known miracles, and has inspired what I first heard as the Urologists’ Grace, a little prayer to say at the beginning of medical dinners. My apologies if I have got the words slightly wrong. Feel free to let me know a more correct version:

Oh God above, our Lord divine,

Who made the water into wine,

Have pity on us humble men,

Who seek to turn it back again.

Amen to that.

The Book of Proverbs

Thank you to everyone who has given suggestions for future posts after yesterday’s request. My friend Paul responded with an excerpt from Chapter 23 of Proverbs, which illustrates the ‘pain and perils’ of the demon drink.

I have repeated the passage here using the King James Authorised Version of 1611 which I have chosen because of its influence on English language and literature.

Who hath woe? Who hath sorrow? Who hath contentions? Who hath babbling? Who hath wounds without cause? Who hath redness of eyes? They that tarry long at the wine; they that go to seek mixed wine. Look not thou upon the wine when it is red, when it giveth his colour in the cup, when it moveth itself aright. At the last it biteth like a serpent, and stingeth like an adder. Thine eyes shall behold strange women, and thine heart shall utter perverse things.
(Proverbs 23:29-33)

Paul adds: “You’ll also find brutally honest accounts of good men coming unstuck thanks to too much of the bottle (or wineskin, I suppose), e.g. Noah (Genesis 9:20-27) and Lot (Genesis 19:30-38). Some less reputable fellows also got into sticky situations – see Esther 1:10-12 and 1 Kings 20:16-21. And the original ‘writing on the wall’ interrupted a particularly well lubricated evening, Daniel 5.”

I may well return to some of these at later dates, but looking back at even the more unapologetic accounts of over-indulgence that I’ve posted already, the ‘sting of the adder’ never seems far behind. Beware...